I've titled this Holla (You're Hella Gay) because these are the two phrases that I've been using with reckless abandon. They're great because when all else fails, you can fall back on one of these two phrases to get you out of any situation. Bankrupt? Holla. Going to get beat up by 5 big black guys? You're hella gay. See, it works. Try it.
On another note, I need a place to live. Seriously. My sublease runs out in December, and for the next two quarters I am homeless. If you know of any places that are renting places out, holla. If need be, I will even make a section on The House dedicated to my various good qualities and why you would want to live with the #1 stunner.
I don't like how Mail Boxes, Etc. is now called The UPS Store. It is the same fucking thing, expensive as hell to ship anything. I once shipped a piece of paper to my house just for a fun test and it cost me $90 w/insurance.
Good old history class, where Huens pointed out this dude snoozin'.
At Santana Row. Why do they have such an odd limit? Why not 15 or 20? I think it's because having an odd number like 17 will make people remember it. But I don't think that will help- people drive however the fuck they want to anyway. At least I do.
Alpha Phi had a Star Search thing where a bunch of frats/sororities got teams together and did some dancing. Here's the Junior Pikes, with Conor Curtis as a woman.
And just to let you know, all the sailor girls practiced at our house. And I won't lie, it was pretty sweet.
Andy Benton's older brother after getting freaked by about 12 nubile ladies.
Christine's 21st. So we have to sing her the birthday song. Did you know that song is copyrighted? So everytime it's on a telly show or something the writer gets PAID. And then he promptly goes out to buy more midget porn starring Bridget the Midget. On your 21st, the rule is you have to go big. She didn't. By the end of the night, she could still remember who she was and who we all were.
Hey here come Jaclyn and Jenna to come post with the Ice House gangsters.
Here I am grinning like a mad scientist with electronic devices. In my right I hold my new digital voice recorder. Taking a page out of Tucker Max, I bought it so I could remember what happens on my drunk escapades. And to listen to all the stupid shit I say. It was an excellent purchase. If I use it a lot and get some good conversations, I will go big and buy one that can interface with a compooter, so I can add clips to The House.
This girl was all about hollering at Tom all night. Haha look at his face. He too hides a dirty little secret.
Why is The Marquis getting accosted by Urn? I won't lie I like it.
Thank the good Lord she didn't bite my ear this time.
Damn it is The Marquis along with some good looking girls. Notice Ben Taft working his magic on the right.
Clear as day, for all to see. You won't believe the underlying story. Some people are so oblivious I wonder how they tie their shoes in the morning.
Lindsay was not amused with her debut on The House, and demanded another picture, a haughty decree by the Queen herself. Here she looks good, n'est-ce pas? Confronted by The Marquis' insistence that she is a narcissist, she put on an incontrovertible performance of pseudo indignation.
My main man with some girl and Darcy on the right (C Squared #2 you are savage). At a party one night I found a cell phone on the ground. Being the man of chivalrous honor that I am, I put on my detective's hat and recalled my training at Scotland Yard. Perusing through the phone book, I looked for a name I knew. Jacey. And then I gave Jacey the phone, who promptly gave it to a grateful Darcy. Would you rather lose your keys or lose your cell phone? I have some exclusive numbers in there, like Paris Hilton and numerous Arab oil sheiks, so I'd have to go with keys.
Katie, the shy shy VR Trooper.
This is Tom's secret. He has webbed toes. This is the first time I've seen and touched an example of this human oddity.
At the end of the night, Jaclyn was the only one dancing.
And here's Ben with yet another girl, watching the show.
Not to leave a woman dancing by herself, Huens steps up to the plate, a genuine salsa dancer.
Wow. A picture of me spooning with someone not of the male gender. Spectacular.
These 3 beers are the only beers worth drinking. Guinness, The King (of beers) and The King Light, aka The Prince. If you disagree, you are just kidding yourself. Shame on you.
I never understood this. Every weekday afternoon, these 6 year old kids direct traffic. I mean they're not even mentally developed enough to not eat their own boogers, can they be trusted to avert vehicular chaos?
Yeah, as good looking as Ben Taft is, he cannot park for shit. It took him literally 4 tries to get this one in. He's so close the curb that if someone walking by looked at it, they'd think, "Wow, he's either REALLY good or REALLY bad."
Dry ice bombs. For US$8.03 for 6 pounds, it doesn't get much better than this.
Here is a Prego bottle that sprayed tomato sauce everywhere.
The best by far was the Aquafina bottle, that thing exploded like a car bomb machined by the IRA. It made our ears ring for a minute.
Throwing one into the pool was a spectacular idea, the effect of the dry ice sinking is very pleasing to the eye. Like me.
Ladies, (or some gentlemen), this is such a fantastic picture it is reDOUGulous. If you'd like a full size image to put as your computer desktop background, holla atcha boi.
Not only does Ben Taft have a big dick, he also has balls of diamond. Here I am hiding like a little schoolgirl while he is tightening the top of a "live" bomb. Well I guess it is his job, since he fucked up the first time.
Huens threw a fish on the ground, essentially making it brain dead, so we decided to put it in our last dry ice bomb. I won't lie, we couldn't find it anywhere after the boom.
At Papa John's, I wonder how many times pizza has fallen off the conveyor belt because an inattentive employee was in the back looking at gay black midget porn. It got close many a time the 10 minutes we were there, however I'm sure the employees have a higher tolerance than the uninitiated. Let me let you in on a little secret. If you get the cheesy bread, you get basically get a small pizza with two dipping sauces for $5. Best deal ever. I am so smart.
Cocktail party night. $500 worth of booze.
And a keg. Although I didn't get very many pictures or voice recordings, it was ridiculously fun.
What to say here, what to say here... Gorgeous, ravishing, dazzling, pulchritudinous, there aren't enough adjectives for these lovely ladies.
Tom what's that in your hand? Oh, a jaywalking ticket? Fantastic, SC PD I guess you've caught all the thieves and murderers in SC already.
Jenna and I had a little coeur a coeur, clearing up some misconceptions we had.
Here's Cisco, my roommate's pretty little girlfriend.
This is one of those pictures where I'm like, "What that fuck is THAT?" Can you guess? Cause I'm clueless, like Alicia Silverstone.
See I like invite only parties because people have the decency to put their empty cups on the bar instead of just throwing it on the ground. Makes for an easier cleanup. Why are some people so trashy? Oh that was a pun, and it wasn't intentional. Holla.
Inspecting a dry cleaning plastic bag, I wondered about the validity of the statement where you can suffocate by putting a plastic bag over your head. As a child we are always told as such, but come on you can rip plastic.
To prove my point I decided to drive to McDonald's with the plastic bag still on my head. ATTENTION- do not do it. It fucks with your depth perception and I almost hit a car.
One of the two pictures I got at Jungle, the annual day party over at Yellow House. I don't like drinking during the day cause it gives me headaches at night. But I'm a true stunner, and I beat it.
Yeah, some girl was straight up passed out on the ground. Sadly, or not so sadly, depending on your level of cruelty, she was not the only one.
An old picture, but I just commandeered it from Huens. The men of Ice House, left to right. Thomas Huens, Charles Leone, Michael Ferdinandi, Andrew Leland, Benjamin Taft, Dallas Stonhaus, Sir Yasu Chiba, XIV, the Marquis of Oxenford and Andrew Benton.
Andy's 21st.
As you can imagine, after taking down 23 drinks, he was quite housed.
Have you ever really t-bagged someone?
Huens displayed his Eagle Scout loyalty and stayed up with Andy making sure he didn't die. And because of this, he couldn't finish his paper due that day.
Nobody's ever made me a bed before when I'm shit drunk.
Are you seeing this? My roommate who always accuses me of being gay is showing his true colors. We walk in the living room to find this.
After sticking their fingers in their noses and mouths, Andrew woke up for a second...
And decided that spooning was more comfortable than being on top.
Money is disgusting, so when I heard that they were going to play Quarters, I made Dallas boil them. I'm just trying to watch out for my friends' health. You can't see the clock on the microwave, but we are drunk at 8:30pm.
It's cool how 10 people playing drinking games turns into a party. This night was remarkable however because it was the first night we raised enough money at the party to buy another keg. And we ran out of CO2.
Here's a haiku I came up with based on the little rhyme I came up with in Ferd's room while we were talking to her on the Entirenet.
a tranquil old lake
a green frog sits quietly
my serene serene
Cleanup was a bitch, perhaps we shouldn't have passed out limes to people.
I was very proud of myself in the morning. One of the RA's, Jessica, had the gall to come to one of our parties when everyone dislikes her and I absolutely hate the bitch from this incident. At first I was just like don't give her any beer but then I realized what a stupid hypocrite slut she is so I told her to get the fuck of my house or pay me the $150 she cost me. Then her ugly little friend started mouthing off to The Marquis so he told her to get the fuck out as well. $150 is a small price to pay to be a VIP and hang out with a spectacular individual like me, but she didn't go big and went home. GBGH, holla atcha boi.
It's cool when random ass things get stolen at your house at parties. Cups, toilet paper, posters. I can't wait until something big gets stolen, like our TV, computer or even better- our bar. If anyone is cunning enough to steal our bar, I give you respect.
November 9, 2003