That's right motherfuckers it's spring break!  Oh noez one more quarter (for most of us) and the Class of 2005 graduates.  That disturbs me.  Can someone get me a job in The Industry, i.e. the television business?  That would rock my face off.  Well hope y'all had a nice, relaxing and/or inebriated spring break.  I'm going to go eat a pizza now.  kthanxbye.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

It's Jeff's birthday... actually 12:02.  And St. Patty's Day, Patron Saint against snakes.  I want to be a Patron Saint for something too.

Aw Benton has a headache? 

Damn you guys are doing car bombs?

Bric: Fuck yeah.  All day.

I just realized that the question I most frequently ask is, "Is she hot?"  I ask this every time someone mentions a girl I don't know.  This gets asked more than "How are you?"  What a superficial asshole I am.

Here is the portrait of the most narcissistic girl I know except for Suzie.  And yes this is something I painted, it's not a photo.

I was reading a certain forum on the Entirenet when I came across a gem of a thread titled, "Post things you thought of as a kid."

My two favorite responses are:

1. Oh, and best job ever?  Prostitute.  Adults sure seemed to like sex, so what could be better than being paid to do it?  My friends wanted to be princesses and ballerinas when they grew up, I wanted to be a hooker.

2. Thought child porn meant porn for kids (like women in swimsuits or something less racy for children)  and I really wanted to see some.

Damn I can't wait to have kids.

Vicencia has a nice figure.

Don't be so bold young padawan.

"You got YasusHouse.com shirts made?  Please sell me one Dr. Chiba, XIV!"  Yes.  I have not yet set a price though.

The fools.  Do they actually think they can beat our team in Flip Cup?

I don't really recall what happened but I'd like to believe that we crushed them like Mother Russia crushes people with her iron fist.

I wandered over to Cozy and blacked out in Lizzie's bed around 6pm.  Shit that's only 3 hours of drinking.  I was then manhandled home by Alex, one of the smallest girls in Cozy.  I remember waking up at 10:30pm, going to Cluck U and then to The Hut, but before that I guess I woke up at 8pm, made elf juice, stumbled and fell all over Ice, and drunk IM'd.  How the fuck did I get that shitfaced?

Rob has joined Ben and me in the FUCK WEAK TVs... BUY AN HDTV club.

Ben was extremely drunk as well, but did not participate in shenanigans such as mine.

Correction.  Beth does not have the clap.  I would like bacon, eggs, buttered toast and a spinach omelette.  kthanxbye.

One out of the 8 nights a year that engineers get to have fun.  Fluid Dynamics, Thermo/Mechanical Challenges in Microelectronics and Fast Transient Micro-Boiling Characterization gets old after a while.

"Is it bad that I listen to songs to get quotes to put on AIM?"  Yes.

It's sad that people have lives and during breaks nobody is online.

You know insects hit your car real hard when they fucking take paint off of it.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.  A cop pulls up and says, "I've got to take you in pal, you're obviously drunk."

"Are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," says the cop.  "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk remarks, "Thank goodness.  I thought I was crippled."

No you live at Cloud 9, not 1.

When he gets like this, be especially wary of THE DRUNK HAND.  Someone should make an educational movie about this phenomenon and how it can affect you as an impressionable young lady.

Do you like it when shirtless guys are spooning on your bed?

And on that note, good night!  Ladies and The Benson Baller, you can click on the picture to download a full size one.  A gift from me to you.  Remember this when you are writing your wills.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Some of my housemates rented a house in Newport Beach along with a dozen ladies.  They were nice enough to let Chuck and I drop in on them for a couple days.

Here is the view from the house.  It's the house, a little walkway, and then beach.  So nice.  I love reading on the beach.  The ocean air does wonders for one's complexion and well-being.

Starting the night off (for us, they had been drinking since the day) with some drinking games.  I think they were playing "Fuck The Dealer" and Ben got really fucked.  And not in a good way either.  "Fuck" is such a versatile word.  I love it.

Kegstands are fun... until you get bacterial meningitis from sharing the tap.  Remember when Zillman got that shit freshman year?  Spinal taps are quite the misfortune.

I found out that Kelsey is huge camera whore like I am.  However she came unprepared, and her camera was full in the first few days in Lala land.  Here she is using Bric's camera as backup.  I rock a 1GB Memory Stick.  That's how I roll.  But my camera's joystick broke.  Damn that is the quickest I've had a part on a camera break on me.  Usually I can get about 6 months.

Varni is going to have a great spring break.  Newport Beach... then off to Vegas.  Hopefully he won't lose too much money and get too many STDs from hookers.

Damn why was Lala land so cold?  The land of extremes.  This definitely helps my theory of Nor Cal > So Cal.  If you think different, you suck and you're wrong.

That was the shirt that Little Benji Taft wore when he got exceedingly hammered when he won 10 or 11 straight games with one Willard Weatherly.  But it is not a lucky shirt, for they lost miserably.  Coincidence can be your friend.

Yeah hi it's not sunny anymore.

Even a small amount of alcohol placed on a scorpion will make it go crazy and sting itself to death.

You know how FHM gives you a $20 if you catch an error in their works and they publish it?  Well I have been submitting errors for ages.  Hopefully they will print one soon.  I am in dire need of some money.

It appears as though they are winning.  Pictures are often deceiving; is this a clever trick to make themselves look good on The House?

So do you ladies and gentlemen remember how 3 out of the 5 lug nuts on my old BMW 5 sheared off because the fucks at Just Tires on Coleman in Santa Clara didn't torque them down?  Well even knowing this, Ben got a tire put on there... and guess what?  They didn't torque down his lug nuts either so 3 out of the 8 lug nuts on one of his rims broke off on the way down to Lala land.  How fucking shitty must they be if two people who know each other had the same thing happen?  Fuck Just Tires on Coleman in Santa Clara.  If you value you life, do not go there.  FREEPSA2U.

Hook up =

1. Received a good or service as a favor.

2. To make out with someone.

3. To have sex with someone.

Brought to you by the letters h, o, k, a space, u and p and the Urban Dictionary.

Justin talks exactly like Sebourn.  We need to get them to hang out.

Damn it's Julia!  I guess she lives like 10 minutes away.  That's hot.  What's not so hot is how far away Newport is from downtown LA.  I wanted to see Jimmy Kimmel, very badly, but couldn't get tickets.

It's Flip Cup time bitches.  Bitches vs. The Superior Gender.

I've been shaking hands the wrong way.  Through lessons from Prickett, Figone, AnnieSCU and Mona, I now know that limp wristing and holding out just the tips of my fingers is a faux pas in the hand shaking world.

A firm, but not bone crushing handshake with about 2 pumps makes Mona Lisa Smile.

So I'm at Ice House alone right now, and I have to say, it's kinda nice.  And by kinda nice I mean fucking great.

Damn they won again in Flip Cup.  We were having some good runs where everyone was hitting it on the first try, but apparently these girls have better finger curling control.  HAH.

Are people that are significantly hairier than most people more impervious to the cold?

Y'all need to be looking this way, mmmmmkay?

Chuck likes it when Benton fondles his right nipple.  Touch his left and he goes berserk.

Mer only likes it when Gainza touches her.

Who is Mer modeling for?  It is good that in present times a virtual unknown can make it in a business because of people like Tyra Banks and Sylvester Stallone who create TV shows to give that lucky break to The Chosen One (a year).

I can see why girls touch their hair so much.  Now that my hair is longer, I've turned into a trichomaniac.  How long do I have to get it until I can put it in a ponytail?

Good work mang.  Like seriously.

Out of fucking nowhere comes GINA STONHAUS!

Washing cups is much more economically feasible than buying new ones every day.  What a great idea.

I wonder what Lizzie McGuire looked like as a kid.  Probably exactly like this except maybe with Kraft Singles.  Kids like Kraft Singles.

Yeah uh they should be wearing some rubber gloves to avoid Ben's numerous STDs that can be transferred through his blood.

Ben and I ordered 3 pizzas and since he had the money I was looking all over for him.  These 3 were sitting in a closet and engaging in an activity that I will not mention because I am petrified of legal harm.  I had to play fucking hide and go seek like I was 17 again.  Oh man.

The Domino's 5-5-5 deal is not bad.  I forgot who, but someone was bitching to me about me picking off the toppings and eating them.  Then I got real surly and forcibly declared that since I paid for it, I can do what I want.  Which is quite a valid point.

Last caption.

People who don't want to be woken up should turn their phones off when going to sleep.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

If you ever come across this car, holler.  1999 BMW Dakar Yellow II M3, stock, 2 door, black cloth interior (damn that will have to be BMW Individual), non-powered and heated seats, factory arched spoiler, no sunroof, full OBC and no luxury package.  I will have to swoop on it with a quickness.

Our tower got all sorts of high and every victorious move was met with applause.

Don't knock it over Chuckie!  You pride yourself on engineering skills; wouldn't it be a misfortune if between your weight bearing theory vs. us commoners' real world applications, the latter emerged triumphant?

Oh noez!  Good thing it was Mr. Little who knocked it over.  I think the tower got to 30 levels or something.

Spring Break + The Beach + Torrential Downpour = WOOHOO!!!  Yeah no.

Ben and I rented jet skis earlier and it was fucking freezing but ridiculously fun tossing them around in the ocean.  On a smooth lake, 60 mph is fine, however I got to only about 35 before I bitched out.  I laid my clothes out to dry, but we can see that was an unsuccessful attempt.

Here's Fuller's friend.  He looks like that fool from The Bourne Identity.

Brown was all sorts of hot tonight.  I like her taste in clothing.

I like to write notes to myself to remember things.  Unfortunately, MSHP does not work so well written on my arm.  I need a keeper like Huens or Cohen to make sure I do not go out of line and say terrible things to people.

I was looking especially beautiful today so I took a picture.

If you tap it... they will come.

Kev thinks: "OMGHI2U."

See, it's funny because her last name is Gainza, and she calls herself Gainsta.  Do you think that's a funny or an unfunny?

Mer told me I smell like salty crackers.  Damn that sounds good.

HA!  HA!  I'M USING THE INTERNET!!!111oneone.

Flip Cup rematch.  Let's see if we can bring it together and get our self dignity back.

Watch what you say around certain people.

Starting it off is one Dr. Chiba, XIV.  I love you Dr. Chiba, XIV.

I am fairly certain that we dominated.  I remember one game (perhaps the last one) where they were surely going to win, but because Lindsey (their anchor) took her sweet time, we were able to bring it back and have The Marquis of Oxenford flip twice for a delectable win.

Me: Ben I think you should impregnate Jen.

Ben: Fool I'm not the one that needs citizenship.

DAMN! 

Jen and I had a 5 cup tête a tête Flip Cup showdown.

It wasn't the greatest of all ideas.

Damn I lost.  I don't feel bad though, because she's an alcoholic.

I made elf juice right after... and then had a rematch.  Which I dominated.  I knew you could do it Dr. Chiba, XIV.

What is your drunk move?  Mer has this, Ben has DRUNK HAND, I touch people's faces...

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical with his wife.  When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man that he needs a urine sample, a stool (that's shit for you people with shit for brains) sample and a sperm sample (that's how the UPS guy got your dirty moms pregnant and had you).

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT?"

"What did he say?  What's he want?"

"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear!"

LAFF.  See that's funny because old people can't control themselves.

Dirty old men are just dirty when younger.

Can you say new FaceBook picture?  Or it could be the cover of a delicious amateur B level porn.  The name of this picture is mergetstouched.jpg.  That makes me laugh.

I too would be making that face if I had to cheat in Flip Cup and made a huge mess.

The hawtness. 

Again, yeah hi it's not sunny anymore.

I don't know why Chuck and I thought it would be a good idea to leave at 1am to drive back home.

You know you've been driving a long time when you see the FUCKING SUN RISE.  I was so tired I wanted to die.  I had to stay awake though because that is proper etiquette when riding shotgun.

This was like 7am after dropping off Chuck.  All I wanted was to brush my teeth, take out my contacts, douche, and then pass the fuck out.  But I RAN INTO MORNING TRAFFIC.  FUCKKKKKKK!

End of day.

Cohen's in Vegas and I wanted to go and hang with my main man... but for those of us without private aircraft, this hinders one's plans.  Planning in advance is your friend.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Let's go hang out in Palo Alto at the Blue Chalk.  I really wonder how much money places like that make in a year.

Colleen and I had been talking about doing an eating contest for a while now, however because she is a fickle bitch, it was hard to find a food we both agree on.  It was pumpkin pie... until this.  Fish and Chips.  Whoever eats the most plates wins, and the loser has to pay for everything.

Although she complained to be broke with a mere $3 in her pocket, she is making risky bets like this.  What is she thinking?  This is also the girl who "lost" a bet to a friend saying that Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) has a twin brother.  I don't know where they looked up their info, or even if they did, but he does, yet they still figured he didn't and so Colleen lost.

People really should stop doing eating contests with me.  I finished before her plus I was ready to go for another one.  She didn't even finish her portion, saying the food was "gross."  I am down for a rematch at another location.

After waiting 13 minutes to close out my tab, I see that it is $50.50.  No fucking way my shysty ass would spend that much money in a bar.  The service was awful so I was only going to tip $0.03.  Why 3 cents?  Well you know how people give their "2 cents," an opinion?  Well that is my opinion of the bartender's work, adjusted for inflation.  But the dude made my tab smaller than it actually should've been so I tipped $1 for each drink.  Which I guess is standard but I feel it is way too much.

Yay the train is here, albeit quite late.  Let's get home.

Yeah no.  Huens was sitting on the edge of the tracks with his legs hanging over the side, and just as the train was about to hit him he rolled back like an egg.  The conductor saw this and barred him from riding the train because they had to pull the emergency brake.  Damn.

So here we are at the Sheraton waiting for a cab to come.  We had the hotel call us one, I called one and Huens called one.

I guess the train times I so thoughtfully wrote on my hand means nothing now.  An hour and a half later, here comes a cab.  But I did learn something- there is a 3 cab stand in front of Pizza My Heart.  You'll thank me for this info one day.

HAHAHA they were at The Hut, walked all the way to the train station, and waited forEVARRRRR for us (because the cab took so fucking long).  That makes me laugh.  And this also marks the first night that when offered free drunk food, I didn't take it and went to bed.