It Has Been Said I Have An
Damn you Miriam. As many of you know, I
was growing my hair out because it was time to change my
appearance to coincide with the change in my personality due
to self improvement with the help of Tony Robbins. My
moms demanded I trim it, so I went to her hairdresser who *I
thought* was a huge cunt, and wrote on my away message: "What
part of 'Please don't cut my hair short, I like it long.' did
she not understand? I hope she gets AIDS and
dies." I was about to cry and was hating life, however
now that I look at it, I like my new haircut, so it seems I
spoke too soon. Cheers to Crystal. I hope she
lives a full life and breeds healthy offspring.
Friday, April 15, 2005
PAY YOUR TAXES
It's Phi Biscuit with Alpha Phi and here I am
standing on a curb so as to look taller than Ms. Laura Prickett
the Cricket. Let me ask you something: how should one in
college carry a sweatshirt? Around the waist? Around
the neck? Sideways like a Timbuk2 messenger bag?
WE WON BITCHES. 3, 4 Quinella. Too bad
it was only $8.90. I would like to win huge at the
races. Then I could bust out this line from Harold and
Kumar Go to White Castle: "Remember how bad the Holocaust
was? Well think exactly the opposite."
$1 hot dogs are awesome BTW. I ate 4; my
goal was 10. I need to live up to the stereotype.
beers are awesome for an edacious consumer of alcohol such as
myself, however the lines are ridiculous and so are some of the
colorful bitches you meet in them.
Today I saw the most disappointing thing I've seen
all year. Extraneous keratin can be considered a
Who needs to be more drunk? Huens for
wearing those Richard Simmons shorts or us for having to
associate with someone who would wear those in public?
Doesn't Swoboda kinda look like Rachel Stevens
from S Club 7? What the fuck happened to them? Did
they get SuperAIDS and die?
What's your shirt say? "You can feed my
Food. EAT THE FOOD!
Oh Lizzie McGuire, you and your silly face
but what would it look like if you got sprayed with mace?
probably rolling around on the ground, without much grace
then it's an arm's race, a glock, a strider, that's not good for
your tax base
if you get caught, that's something that's not easily effaced
hey it's your cell, your nesting place, an enclosed space
going home to chicago a disgrace
chin up! it's your hiding place, your year of grace
i'm sure once you start working at wal*mart things will fall
please don't be a charity case, aisle 6? a big vase?
or cds... ace of base, a swedish pop band test case
in any case, go watch state of grace
and dream about the mongolion race, a higher place
maybe interplanetary space
Life Lesson for the week: People don't like it
when you compare them with elves
from Lord of the Rings.
Stokes gave me a quick chop to my jowl.
A: Had one of the
funniest reactions OF ALL TIME to an inappropriate (in hindsight) thing I
said. Now that I look closely, she doesn't really look
like that other girl at all. I was wrong.
B: Looks like Jessica Simpson, n'est-ce pas?
Are you fucking drinking beer out of a pink straw?
"Nothing is worth more than my life... especially
something you would wear."
DAMN GIRL MMMBOP
Prickett was genuinely worried that I would get so
drunk we'd get kicked out. Even though I drank the Jack, I
was fine. I won't lie, I was surprised.
Sadly, only Elmo (you know, that red Muppet that
always talks in the third person) went to bed with Mer.
Maybe she should try On Demand dating.
Taken from Suzie's FaceBook profile,
Interests: Being Me!!!, Treasure Hunting in Honduras,
Mind-blowing sex, Dancing, Partying 'till 8 in the morning,
Lamborghini Gallardo in Neon Green, Mercedes S 600 & CL 600,
New York Yankees, Picasso, Monet, Christian Dior, Vintage Gucci,
Clubs and Jobs: I dance, shop & party like it's my job, Kama
Sutra Research & Development - I specialize in making all
the boys get naked
About Me: I've dated the hottest guys in New York, married and
then divorced the sexiest guy in Miami, had my fair share of fun
in Santa Clara, been around the world twice, I've got a summer
house in New York, a condo in Miami, a yacht in Rio de Janeiro,
three cars, one maid... All I need is a man with a little
I'm absolutely ridiculous and I love it.
I'm watching Arm Wrestling on TV right now.
It's amazing what gets on TV nowadays.
Yes please. May I have another?
People who say they don't like Easy Cheese are
only saying it to front. But putting that much on a pizza
is a little disgusting. Can you guess who's eating
it? There is a huge hint in the picture.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
What is the deal with people going big only one
night a week? People were being lame and my night
consisted of doing Rachel's homework for fun and watching Pretty
Woman. Yeah please don't make fun of me.
These two are both named Josh Peters, and I found
that funny because one is a delicate little flower while the
other is a beast of a man who lives under a bridge. Let me
ask you something. What is it about bridges that attract
bad bad things to take shelter underneath them? If I
remember correctly the troll lived under a bridge, as do drug
addicts and the homeless. I can guarantee that you will
never find anything good under a bridge, unless you are looking
for free hypodermic needles, an experience you will remember for
the rest of your life, and the SuperAIDS.
Monday, April 18, 2005
It's Family Feud time, and Team A (Yasu, Thomas
Huens, Kevin Bric, Andy Benton and Dallas Stonhaus) dominated
Team B (Greg Varni, Mer, Dirty Denise, Jen Gainza and Ben
Taft). I command you to laugh at their stupidity and revel
in our marvelousness.
This is the first night in a long time where all
these conditions were met:
1. I was sober.
2. The majority of the people around me were drunk.
3. I was having fun.
Mer was screaming about dead babies all night, and
that was highly disagreeable to a sensitive soul such as
myself. Here are some of the more tame (we don't like to
offend people here on The House) jokes that she told:
1. What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
2. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
3. What's small, shiny and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.
If you would like to write and complain to her
directly, email her here.
don't worry, it will all come back in the end when she is
serving 5 consecutive life sentences for her obsession.
The homoeroticism between these two sets of
roommates almost rivaled the offensiveness of underground German
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Lindsey and Mike, kissing in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage
(prenup of course), then comes a heated divorce, then comes Mike
alone and drinking a handle a day, then comes cirrhosis, and
Mike dies, then comes Lindsey bling blinging on all of Mike's
money that he left her, then comes a baby with the man Lindsey
remarried, a better man.
Moral of the story is: Don't think it won't happen to you.
Because it will.
This has been quite irksome for a while, so I will
share with y'all. Let's say I'm arguing about something
with Francesca. She turns to a nearby person, say Mario,
and after the obligatory SCUSI! asks his opinion. If he
affirms what she is saying, she triumphantly turns back to me
and says, "See! I'm right." WHAT THE FUCK makes
Mario the leading authority on our argument?
I want there to be Ice House boxing. Bric
vs. Benton. Ferd vs. Thomas Huens. What are other
potential match ups?
Frozen in panic, Kelsey does not know what to make
of the slit in her shirt. Was it like that when she bought
it? If she touches it will it seal up? OH NOEZ!!!
HA! HA! Boys vs. Girls. We
demolished them every single time. Even with them metering
their beers with pipets.
The best way to complement the YasusHouse.com
t-shirt is to be in a middle of the Lindsay/Lindsey sandwich,
perhaps eating a salami sandwich. That would be sweet.
Petersen is a deity at Flip Cup. But doesn't
it suck that the more he plays Flip Cup, the greater the risk
for him to die enervated. Health problems caused by
excessive alcohol consumption is sad.
Mer was being a bitch, and when
probed why, she answered, "I haven't been kabab'd in a
SO! I have taken it upon myself to find her a
courter. Mer is a semi-attractive, extremely "sexually
experienced" *EUPHEMISM ALERT* girl who likes to shower with
Jen Gainza, enjoys the occasional (> 2x daily) kababing,
plays Dungeons and Dragons to the point where she is on
academic probation, and is a fan of anime porn.
If you are a decent looking man with plans for the future,
STOP. You have been screened out because I want to
keep Mer all to myself. But I guess that is what
chloroform, a rag, some rope and my basement are for.
I'm just joking. I don't have a basement.
You: Level 89 Paladin, bald at 23, live with your mom, your
mom is your best friend, engage in numerous sessions of
cybersex a day (and you pretend to be a 17 year old girl from
Wisconsin) and cry when jerking off. If you meet all of
this criteria, YOU ARE THE WINNARRRRR!!11!!11oneone
Then you can take out Mer to someplace fancy, like
Arby's. And that is the perfect time to break the ice
with your pirate joke. Where does a pirate eat?
Arrrrrrrrrrby's. Fuck I just ruined it for you.
Aw how cute. Now we just need Sara and Erin
to make this square of love complete. That would be an
interesting home video.
End of night.
Someone ripped my tarp off at around 2am, and I
was furious because I cannot sleep in a room unless it is as
dark as Batman's cave and your soul. I went to bed around
3, woke up at 7, and couldn't go back to sleep. Home Depot
opens at 6:30, so I drove there and bought a staple gun, staples
and some tarp. Then I went to work, and woke up Benton and
Ben in the process. Sorry. After completion, our
house doesn't look quite as ghetto. It's actually darker
in my room now, so to whomever did it: THANK YOU.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Huens took this picture.
That same day (as above) I went to Burger King to try out the
new Omelette Sandwich. I ordered at 10:33 (according to my
phone, which I assume is synced with an atomic clock) and I
received the "Sorry sir, we're not serving breakfast
anymore." WHAT THE FUCK. I thought when people
talked about shit like that, they were joking. This is no
70's party for one Katherine Wieland's
birthday. I am over dressing up for shit, so I wore normal
clothing like usual. How rude is that?
People are always making a big deal that sharing
is caring. But equal emphasis should be placed on take
care of the shit that is being lent to you. I was once
pretty carefree with my sharing, until I lent these two dudes
some computer games. A month later, they came back
destroyed. The floppy disks wouldn't even mount.
What the fuck. I think that traumatized me because after
that, combined with my OCD, I have never liked lending things
Sometimes I sneeze so hard I taste blood.
That's pretty bad. But what's worse is when you're eating
something and need to sneeze. Or when you concurrently
fart/shart and sneeze. But I guess a combination of all of
them would be the worst thing of all.
Peek-a-boo, I see you.
Kinder looks like the sister on FOX's Life on a
Stick, but hotter. That's hot when you're hotter than an
actress who's show will be canceled after one season. That
show is fucking terrible.
"Is your mom hot? Oh... well tell your mom
that she breeds hot offspring." What the hell? Who
says that? Dr. Chiba, XIV
And note: Kinder is
ridiculous(ly hot). kthanxbye!
"Pick up my Afro pick. I need it to keep it
I was thinking of wearing a doorag, or maybe a doorag with a hat
over it to keep it real. So do you think I'd look sick in
one or what?
"The industrial dryers are shrinking my
A very staged photo, but Ms. Lovelace would not
let me put up the candid shot of her saying, "MY BUTT IS
STICKY!!!!11111oneone" Justin, you need better AIM.
And I am not talking about a newer version of AOL Instant
The 70's look is very becoming on you. But I
guess if I were on you, I'd be coming too. HAR HAR.
Julie looks nice in her hat. And also riding
her bike at a top speed of 2 m.p.h. without a helmet. That
is just asking for brain damage, and I'm not talking about
requesting the popular Eminem song to your favorite radio
station. And Raimondi... well she is the hot with her
glasses. HAHA Matt you have a hot sister.
Jill why must you always interject yourself into
pictures? In some parts of the Arab world you would be
killed without hesitation.
When sporting the PIRATE EYE, one must bring
laughter and joy upon the room with an eclectic mix of PIRATE
Chugging contest. Me vs. Dave Ray vs. Huens
vs. 2839 BALL (shit you're getting up there) vs. Lexie (where's
That beater tan is very attractive. But how
come Dave's arms aren't more tanned? This look took a lot
of strategic planning. How vain.
I guess it was Greg's birthday and out of fucking
nowhere he runs up to the counter and takes a multitude of
drinks down with furious fortitude. I was impressed he
kept it down. I would've been more impressed, however, if
he finished all the beers. But something tells me that
impressing Dr. Chiba, XIV isn't one of Greg's top priorities.
"Hey Mary, I won the chugging competition.
Here is $11. Drink until I am really good looking, then
come and talk to me, k hot stuff?"
"Me be so hot I am a 6 out of 5." How is
Like when people say, "I'll give 110% coach!" How can that
be? In a Robinson helicopter the RPM is in %, and it goes
over 100 as well, and I never understood that. But then
again, helicopters fly on magic, so nobody will ever know.
Sorry I've rambled again. BITCHES.
I was reading a book at Benson when some emo
looking guy walks over, sits down, and says, "Yo what are you
reading? Nietzsche?" What the hell?
Sho Yano has an IQ so high it is
immeasurable. SHIT he is smart.
"Hi, my name is Serene. I am Miss Teen
"OMGHI2U. My name is Molly. I am Miss Teen
Just another confirmation that it's not love that brings people
together, it's pageants.
Don't believe everything you read on the
Meghan says she hasn't been on The House before,
and wanted to be. That is a common wish, so I have
registered with the Make-A-Wish Foundation so an unfortunate
soul can be happy.
After carrying me on her back like we were in a
war and my leg had been blown off, Bjorklund does the Mer
signature move. What's up with that C-SUCKA?
Varni walked in the house today and Huens and I
thought it was someone else so we simultaneously said,
"FAG." But then realized it was Varni, so we were like OH
bf.c > you. 従兄弟？ マジで？
The Frenchman on the left oddly resembles Chuck.
After talking to Vic about Indians (dot, not feather) in Bend It
Like Beckham, we decided that we need to go to Bombay to get
some Indian hookers for a few rupees. I thought Calcutta
was the place to go, since Phileas Fogg went there, but I guess
times have changed.
SHIT. I had taken Dirty Denise's phone, and
she kept on banging and banging on the locked screen door until
this happened. What the hell that's savage as fuck.
There is a reason that people in the ghetto have these kinds of
doors, and it's not for color coordination.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Hey! It's Burger King! It's day
drinking time with Pat for his birthday.
I am pretty certain this was our Flip Cup team,
however I do not remember if we even played.
I remember chugging a couple times, then the next
thing I know I wake up in my bed and it's 11:17pm. What
the hell? I need to stop getting so blackout drunk.
But luckily the pizza place was still open so I could order
myself a delicious pizza.
OK, I guess I'll go to The Hut after playing some
Catch Phrase. Some information: Laura Prickett is the
worst Catch Phrase player of ALL TIME. Scratch that.
The worst female. The worst player, EVAR is Alex.
LOLERCOPTER. Vic is drinking Smirnoff Ice
cause he's driving, and beer has 12% alcohol content.
LOLLERSKATES are you serious? Ice beer is like 5.5%.
I think this picture was of Mer's mustache.
But hers is not noticeable, unlike some of you dirty, dirty
Is the Boat Basin ready to dock a giant vessel
"In my mouth, not my eye."
Look at these two lovers celebrating KP's
I have a lot of shit to do today: change my oil
and some ridiculous homework. And do laundry. But
that is enjoyable. Hopefully oil won't spill all over my
garage like last time.
April 24, 2005
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